Symbols of My Life

Mckenzie Dorris

Block 2

8/15/13

Symbols for My Life

            There are various symbols in my life that I use or keep with me on a daily basis. Some symbols are necessities, other items you use or encounter, while others are people who bring out specific parts of me that other people might not see. Like these people, all the symbols of my life are not only basic items or ideas. They reflect my personality and represent something much more personal then the simplicity that one may see. What I choose to think are the most important and easily understood symbols in my life are a pair of glasses, a charm bracelet, and my sister Larkin. They may seem like normal or basic parts of my life that are present for fairly predictable purposes, but I like to see them as something bigger.

            I have worn glasses since I was seven years old. As I matured I decided that I would prefer to wear contacts and normally they are what I wear everyday. I still require glasses however for every night and any other time in my life that they might become necessary. Glasses fulfill a fairly straightforward purpose. My vision is extremely terrible and glasses help to repair and enhance vision. My glasses are made specifically for me and they help me to see, they somewhat fix my vision. Anytime I am not wearing my glasses the entire world is different. Blurry does not begin to explain the way things look for my eyes without the proper help glasses provide. I cannot see things that are right in front of me. Reading is impossible. Friends find it funny to test your naked vision by trying to get you to distinguish fingers from the blur of a hand you can barely see. Glasses are so important to my life, without them the world and everything in it are unrecognizable.

            My vision is impaired due to genetics and other things like bad luck, without glasses I cannot see things for what they are. This can be interpreted as something much deeper when it is applied to my personality and my tendencies in life. I am the type of person who will put trust in someone or something much to quickly. I tend to become friends with a person not too long after meeting them and at that point in a relationship with someone, it is almost impossible to know everything about them. The same way my vision is impaired, my choice making skills are often impaired because of how easily I trust people. I have spent in numerous friendships being blind. I go on in relationships thinking that I know a person but I cannot see who they truly are. Getting to know someone takes time. Often people hide their true personality of feelings from people until they sense trust in the relationship. I have found myself to be the opposite of those people, not only putting my true self out in the open early on in relationships but also believing that the other person is doing the same. I do not always recognize who a person truly is and how they truly act until I stop, put on my glasses, and actually see them for who they are.

             One item that is important to a part of my daily life is a swimming block. It is a somewhat strange symbol, but sometimes things are more then they seem. I am a swimmer and swimming is a sport that takes extensive training and practice. Therefore, I am in the pool and swimming several thousand yards everyday.  A swimming block is like a diving board for racing.  It’s a small, square, raised board at the end of a lane of the pool. A swimmer uses the block to dive into the water at the start of a race, gaining distance and speed. As a swimmer, the block is a somewhat scary place. When I get up on the block at the start of a race, all the pressure that has been bottled up inside and hidden from excited teammates and expectant coaches explodes. Staring at the water ahead in the tiny five-second moment I position myself for a dive, everything possible situation plays out in my head. The race of me at that moment is crucial. I must perform the perfect dive, the perfect turn, get the perfect time. The entire experience is terrifying. That short moment atop the swimming block is a moment of sheer terror and worry for me as a swimmer. The block is meant to be a helpful aspect of swimming and racing, but for me it creates a final chance for panic.

            The swimming block moment of my life occurs much too often. Every time I start something new; a sport, class, club, job, and any other activity I am petrified. The thought of what these new opportunities and experiences could hold for my future never fails to horrify me. I worry too much for my own good, and thinking about the expectations that come with these new events sets of extreme panic alarms in my head. In the past I would refuse to try new things simply because of my fear of change and the expectancy that came with it. I did not want to disappoint people, I did not want to do something wrong and ruin the opportunity for the rest of my life. The only solution I found was avoiding the situations. Every time I would climb up on that swimming block, I would want to get right back off. What I have had to learn as I have grown is that the dive may be terrifying, but once you enter the water it pays off. The petrifying start of something new is worth it when I achieve and succeed and ultimately enjoy myself. I still find myself stuck in a moment of fear whenever something new appears in my life, but I hold my breath and dive in.

            There are many important people in my life who I could consider symbols for various traits. My sister Larkin however, has always been at the top of my list. Larkin is my younger sister. She’s short, sweet, and full of as much attitude as every other eleven year old. We fight just as often as we get along, but we love each other more than anything and that is what I like to think matters most. Larkin is extremely special because she is a survivor of brain cancer. When I was eleven and Larkin was seven, she was diagnosed in Baton Rouge and put through immediate surgery to remove the majority of the cancer.  Three months later Larkin was sent to St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee for radiation and chemotherapy to wipe away all other traces of cancer. Due to this, my family had to move to a small apartment in the center of Memphis for about a year. My parents and Larkin lived in the apartment, but I was only allowed to visit on certain weekends and holidays due to school. I lived out of a suitcase and backpack, staying with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and occasionally friends for an entire year. I barely saw my family and all news of Larkin and her progress came through afternoon phone calls and Facebook updates. It was a very difficult time for my family and I, Larkin going through something so unbelievable and painful, and me being away from them made the entire situation harder for me.

            Larkin is now something much greater than special to me. Knowing that I could have lost her at some point, knowing that she could have lost the ability to speak, hear, maybe even move due to this horrible cancer inside of her, it makes me more conscious of how precious family and life is to me. The move that my family had to make also changed who I am as a person. I was only eleven; I had no idea what was going on for a majority of the time spent in hospitals. I was young and reliant on my parents for everything. My parents leaving me to fend for myself and figure out where I needed to be and do with no help or guidance really pushed me into maturity. I do not think I would have grown up as soon as I did if it were not for the cancer appearing in Larkin’s life. It was difficult being forced to grow up at the time, but I’m thankful for it now. I’ve gained much more and I can be independent when I need to be. Larkin is my younger sister and I was always supposed to be the mature role model for her. Now, after such a life -changing event, I look at my sister and I know that I am the mature role model that she needs.

            In conclusion, who I am as a person has been modified over time. These three symbols not only represent important traits that I possess, but also improvements that I have made or steps I have taken as I have grown. My glasses have taught me to look for who people really are. The swimming block has become a place for a new beginning. Larkin is my constant reminder of strength and maturity that I hope I can continue to possess. These three symbols are important to my past, and how it has taught me to change my future.